Dec. 17: The Toasted Elephant Edition

It's December! That month where we take on entirely too much (debt, relatives, eggnog) and receive entirely too little ("A snuggie! Thanks, Mom. It matches my hair.").

Your favorite spoken word night is no exception. On Dec. 17, we give you not one but two reasons to join the boozebath at Will's Pub. First and foremost: The Toast-Off. That's right, drinky. We'll be holding a Toast-Off before the spoken word portion of the night, where brave and/or pickled writers, comedians and unsuspecting sots will be composing toasts to random subjects pulled out of a hat. You may remember this mix of improv, game show and poetry from the many times it's crashed the party at the Orlando Fringe Festival. Now see it back in its natural habitat.

After the smoke (and vomit) has cleared, it'll be the usual mess of spoken word open mike - with an extra incentive. Every reader who signs up on the list will receive a mystery book from our vast, colorful and frequently disappointing White Elephant pile. Wrap up an unwanted/inappropriate book and drop off your own under the tree, or just take advantage of the host's literary largesse.

And yes, it's all still free. We may be overachieving this month, but it's still Speakeasy. Drop on by at 9 pm Tuesday, Dec. 17 at Will's.

Nov. 26: The Engorged Edition

If we've learned nothing else from William Carlos Williams, it's that you cannot trust poets around your refrigerator. All cliches aside, poets love to eat. We may always be telling you to feed your mind, but we're most likely thinking about feeding our face. Let's face it, with the jobs we typically hold, it's probably been awhile.

Which is why we're going with a fairly concrete theme for the return of your regular host: Food. Thanksgiving is right around the corner, so there's plenty of inspiration in the oven. The writers of Speakeasy are hereby challenged to give it up for their favorite meal, filleted, fried or figurative. Come on out on the fourth Tuesday (Nov. 26, sorry for the reschedule!) and watch 'em talk with their mouths full - of profundity. (Also probably profanity.) 9 pm sharpish at Will's Pub, y'all. No reservations required.

-Tod

Sept. 17: The Outraged Edition

Maybe it's your host's relatively advanced years, but over here at Speakeasy, we're done wondering why we can't all like the same stuff. If everybody loved Jeebus, sure, we'd be a lot more peaceful (and frustrated, which is another conversation). But the number of people who love Kanye West is a lot smaller, and look what it's done to that guy. Vive le difference.

No, what we wanna know is why we can't all get together on the things we hate anymore. Even Miley Cyrus! (Last time you'll see her name here, we promise.) Universally hateable performance at that pointless awards show, right? Apparently not. We can't even agree on what her exact sins are: Racism? Sleaze? Teaching our kids to masturbate incorrectly? Lack of talent? (For the record, the only answer that counts is always "D".)

Just as the VMAs are an inappropriate forum for popular taste, Speakeasy is mighty ill-suited to building consensus. But what the hell, let's give it a go. For September 17, we want to know What Offends You. Whether it's the administration's tolerance of Syrian atrocities or The View's tolerance of Jenny McCarthy, let's fling some literary poop on it. After all this time together, this may be our greatest challenge yet: Offending each other. Third Tuesday of the month as usual, 9 pm sharpish at Will's Pub.

- Tod

Aug. 20: The Paranoid Edition

Clearly, it's the summer. With weather like this, you really can't be bothered to peel yourself out of the hammock for a bathroom break, much less update a website on a monthly basis. Nope, best to just stay right there and nurse that mojito, behind your picket fence and the razorwire and the gun emplacements.

I mean, have you seen the state we're in? And I mean that both globally and regionally. You can't saunter down to the Wawa for a pack of Skittles without getting a good eyeball-fucking, either from the neighborhood watch or the satellites or both. Can't even relax with a good snort of bath salts anymore. Government's putting all kinds of Zeus knows what in there. And the spiders. Don't even get me started on the spiders.

But this month, Speakeasy's blowing the lid right off this puppy, because our theme for August is Paranoia. Hunker down with us under the big tinfoil hat of Will's Pub, and listen as Orlando's most bug-eyed writers expose the half-truths and the known unknowns. 9 pm-ish as usual, Tuesday Aug. 20 at Will's Pub, true believers. Just make sure to shave your head before you come so we can check you for implants at the door. Fnord.

Can't wait 'til then? Go east, young man. Your host Tod Caviness - the recently-crowned Best Pottymouth in Orlando - will give 'em hell at a featured reading in Cocoa during the Collective Word's open mike, hosted by Speakeasy pal Joe Snyder. That's 8:30 p.m. Tuesday, Aug. 6.

Also also? Check out the spifferiffic new website for the Poetry Vending Machine, now available for wedding, bar mitzvahs, goat sacrifices, square dances and assorted hootenannies. Looks like we ain't so idle this summer after all ...

April 16: The Drunk(er) Edition

This is just so obvious, we had to save it. If there was ever a Speakeasy where we were going to have a Drinking theme, it would be this one. Your host, after all, has just returned from a trip to Ireland. His brain cells, however, may not.

Looks like it's up to the writers of Speakeasy to help revive them, then. Show up in April and give us stories and odes to your favorite balm of modern life. (No, not crack. Maybe next month.) Booze inspires and fortifies us through every night here at Will's. It's the reason we put up with each other and the reason the bartender puts up with us. Now it's time to give back. Belly up to the list and give us your best shot of bar talk, no chaser: Haiku about Hennessy. Villanelles about vodka. Tankas about Tanqueray. You get the idea.

Highball it out to Will's Pub on April 16 at 9-ish pm for what's sure to be the most liquoriffic Speakeasy on record. And as you regulars know, that's saying something.

March 19: The No-Limits Edition

No, really. March 19! It's at Will's Pub at 9ish pm, and it will indeed have No Limits. How do I know? It will be guest-hosted by Trevor Fraser. You should go.

Your host? He's on honeymoon as you read this and shouldn't even be posting.

March 19!

Insert funny picture/caption here.

-Tod

We're sketchy

But then, you knew that already. We were doubly so last month, however, and we're not just talking about Trevor Fraser's onstage request to "witness our lovemaking." No, we're talking about the fact that "Analog Artist Digital World" blogger Tom Thorspecken was in the audience. If you know Thor, you know that he's never far from his sketchbook, and sure enough, we got immortalized in that sucker. (For the second time, yet!)

Check out Thor's visual document of Speakeasy: The Crush Edition, over at Analog Artist Digital World.

Feb. 12: The Crush Edition

Valentine's Day. Why did it have to be Valentine's Day? It's so ripe for mockery, so rich with the kind of wide-eyed optimism that we've traditionally drowned with sake bombs here at Speakeasy.

And yet ... not only do we have no time to be clever (Speakeasy's early this month), your host is getting married. Can't we have nice things just this once? Towards that end, we offer up your theme for the month: The Secret Crush. Whether they're unavailable, unattainable or even fictional, we want to hear about them. Writers are invited to bring their stories and poems about that kindergarten hunk who stole your heart (and/or your woobie), or that cougar whose jungle you'd love to rumble through.

Did I mention we're early this month? We totally are. Got nothin' but love for you this Tuesday, Feb. 12 at 9 pm, at Will's Pub as always. Don't bring flowers, unless they're for the bartender.

Jan. 15: The Reset Edition

Well, the yearly excuse has come and gone again. That chance to throw off the covers on New Year's Day like Superman whipping off his tie, standing proud in the pure light of a virgin morning. "No more!," you said to yourself while not masturbating. "This year, we make a brand new start!" Then you donated your porn CD's to the homeless on the way to work, punched out the boss and threw his secretary over your shoulder as you strode confidently toward your new life as a graffiti artist/session bongo player.

Since you totally did all that, Speakeasy's going to take it easy on you this month. Let's face it: Brand new starts are hard. For one thing, there's all the starting. So for January, the theme is Recycled Beginnings. Our writers are encouraged to give us a brand new story or poem ... using the first line of an already famous work of literature. How can this go wrong? You already have the sturdiest foundations of all time! It's just like your Mom always said - you can be anything you want to be, and so can your story. Just don't be like Hitler, OK? Although his book sold pretty well.

Merry New Year, good buddies. Shake off those hangovers and meet us Jan. 15 down at Will's Pub, 9ish pm as usual. We're resolving to start when you get there this year!