In fact, there won't be any kind of theme at all, because we're gonna need all the brain cells we can salvage. Yes indeed, children - it's time once again for the semi-bi-wheneverannual Speakeasy Toast-Off.
Perhaps you remember it from the last couple of years at the Orlando Fringe Festival, where it crashed the party on the Outdoor Stage. Maybe you were here in the audience at Will's the last few times we did it, and you're still cursing the hangover. Or maybe you're Christian Drake, and you're still waiting for kickbacks on the idea we stole from you. If it's none of the above, here are the (snicker) "rules":
- Eight competitors will be brought to the stage to face off against each other in four head-to-head elimination rounds, drinks in hand. There will be a brief moment allowed for intense staring, and/or debate on the relative comforts provided by the opponents' mothers.
- The host will select a topic at random from a hat. Past subjects have included "Satan," "Girl Scouts," "Batman" and "Sobriety."
- The competitors will have roughly 30 seconds to compose and deliver a toast to the given topic. Ex. "Here's to Sobriety! The best 10 minutes I ever spent."
- They should probably be funnier than that, although sincerity can be an occasionally useful tool. Either way, brevity is an essential requirement of the proper toast.
- Contestants drink after each toast, as does the audience. Do I really have to tell you this?
- Winners of each round will be determined by audience applause. Best of three toasts takes the round. We then narrow the contestants down in a series of successive rounds until two competitors remain. Grand champeen will then be decided in a best-of-five toasts match.
That's about the size of it. The Toast-Off will kick off the evening, so get there early if you'd like to compete, or just throw in your hat right here in the comments. We'll also have a standard open mike following the competition, if anyone's still lucid. 9 p.m. (sharp this time!) Nov. 20 at Will's Pub, you lushes. See you there, and identify yourself as you will be blurry.