Speakeasy Holiday Toast-Off: The Rules

It has rules?

Anybody who remembers the last one might forgiven for thinking not. Despite the rampant heckling, the drunken blasphemy and the general chaos, we're doing it again. The next Speakeasy Toast-Off will throw down at Will's Pub on Tuesday, Dec. 8 at 10 p.m. Interested in competing? Curious about boring minutae? Here's what you need to know. The rules that follow, with a few house exceptions, are the brainchild of competitive toasting's founder (as far as we know), Christian Drake:

GRAND PRIZE: Ornate beer stein, a $20 gift certificate to Total Wine, and goodies from behind the bar at dear old Will's Pub. The top two competitors will have their bar tab taken care of for the duration of the match. There's your hook.

- Sign-ups begin at 7 p.m. - see the bald guy sitting behind the Poetry Vending Machine table at the Arte Faire, taking place prior to the Toast-Off from 6-9 p.m. We'll take first come, first served up to a max of 8 competitors. Format will be head-to-head elimination.

- Rounds will consist of three toasts on a random subject drawn from a hat. The first toaster in each round (selected at random) will have 40 seconds to come up with a toast. After he/she has delivered the toast, his opponent has an additional 20 seconds to come up with his/her own. Competitors must take a healthy swig at the end of each toast (both theirs AND their opponent's). Winner is decided by majority rule of a panel of celebrity judges; best 2 out of 3. Final round will be best 3 out of 5. The winner must finish his/her beer by the end of each round.

- Toasts must be traditional, which is to say they should begin with "May ..." or "Here's to ..." There is no time limit on the duration of toasts, but trust us on this: Brevity will work in your favor.

- No, really. Not kidding on that last one.

Anyone interested in signing up early can comment on this post - I'll save you a spot provided you show up at the venue before 9 pm. Start stocking up on hangover remedies now, true believers. See you there.

All ye faithful

Saddle up! We're back in regular weekly rotation at Will's Pub, every Tuesday at 9 pm. Nov. 17 oughta be a special one: Plenty of new poems, and your first advance news about a couple worthy December events ...

- The Artists & Writers Crawl on Dec. 12. The regular artist crawls have been popularized (to your host, anyway) by Analog Artist Digital World sketcher and all-around class act Thomas Thorspecken, and this latest edition invites the writers to come along and get their muse on. To better accommodate the Speakeasy crowd, this crawl will be a bar-hop through the better dive bars of the ViMi district, including a stop at Will's. Best of all, the whole shebang is free and open to all! Get your details as they emerge at the website.

- A holiday edition of the Speakeasy Toast-Off. If you thought the regular open mike was nothing but a glorified excuse for drinking, you ain't seen shit. Competitive toasting returns to the stage of Will's on Dec. 8 with new celebrity judges and fab prizes TBA.

The calm before the brainstorm

Late update, but no - no Speakeasy this week. That's right, we're taking a break (again) on Nov. 10. Yes, I know. Yes, I feel that way too. Whoa! Put down the claw hammer. Tell you what; what if I said we were scheduled every week after that straight through the holidays? Cool, right? How about if I said we have the second Speakeasy Toast-Off with fabulous prizes and celebrity judges scheduled for Dec. 15, right after the monthly Arte Faire? How's that for some sugar?

OK then. Glad we could all walk away from this without violence. See you next week!

Absence makes the heart grow fonder (and the liver stronger)

Thanks to all who showed up last Tuesday for the scattershot Speakeasy that followed the monthly Arte Faire. Y'all are diehard. Save it up - we're bumped (yes, again) next week, but will return Nov. 3.

Those lucky folks who were there may have seen sketch artist Thomas Thorspecken immortalizing your rants for posterity/police records. Neat, huh? He should have the resulting sketch and some commentary up on Analog Artist Digital World sometime in the next few days.

We missed you too

Two weeks is way too long. The management's been drinking themselves silly to cope with the missing Speakeasy last week, though admittedly that's what we would have been doing anyway. Anyway: Fully recovered, you can expect spoken word as usual this Tuesday the 13th.

And dig this - the week after, Tod's pet project the Poetry Vending Machine will be a part of the monthly Arte Faire at Will's ... which just happens to fall on Tuesday Oct. 20, right before Speakeasy. Talk about synergy! Get your improv poems at the Faire from 6-9 p.m., then read them directly after. Shazam.

Oh, what the hell, ONE more plug. Also catch Tod performing at the All Hallows 10 For the Fringe benefit (that's IF you can get the rapidly-selling tickets) Oct. 16 and 17 at the Lowndes Shakespeare Center. He'll have a big long poem written specially for the occasion and the guaranteed worst costume you'll see that night.

Taking a sick day

Achtung! No Speakeasy this coming Tuesday the 6th, poetry lovers. Yeah, I know. Will's Pub will still be there to welcome you (provided you've got the cover for the band), but the open mike will be taking a much-needed week off. Save up your juice for our return Oct. 13, but if you're jonesing this week, the management highly recommends you check out Di-Verse Word at Dandelion Communitea. They're a monthly event like Aunt Flo on the first Tuesday. Tell host Shawn Welcome that Speakeasy sent you.

Feature time at Speakeasy!

Two big 'ol reasons to join the cool kids at Will's Pub next week:

- Our feature poet, from the wilds of Delray Beach: Casandra Tanenbaum! A whirlwind of talent, Cass is the host of the Monthly slam at Dada and was the chief volunteer wrangler at this year's National Poetry Slam. The fact that this did not drive her screaming into a sports bar for a week-long drinking binge far away from flaky artsy folk is a testament to her stamina and patience. Her poetry? Well, her poetry's a testament to that. Come show her some beer-flavored Orlando love. You will not be disappointed.

- It's the last Speakeasy for two weeks! It's a fact - we'll have a Tuesday off on Oct. 6, returning on Oct. 13. Get ready to pack two weeks worth of jibber-jabber into a one week-sized bag.

That's Tuesday, Sept. 29, everybody. 9 p.m. blunt. See you there.