Feb. 12: The Crush Edition

Valentine's Day. Why did it have to be Valentine's Day? It's so ripe for mockery, so rich with the kind of wide-eyed optimism that we've traditionally drowned with sake bombs here at Speakeasy.

And yet ... not only do we have no time to be clever (Speakeasy's early this month), your host is getting married. Can't we have nice things just this once? Towards that end, we offer up your theme for the month: The Secret Crush. Whether they're unavailable, unattainable or even fictional, we want to hear about them. Writers are invited to bring their stories and poems about that kindergarten hunk who stole your heart (and/or your woobie), or that cougar whose jungle you'd love to rumble through.

Did I mention we're early this month? We totally are. Got nothin' but love for you this Tuesday, Feb. 12 at 9 pm, at Will's Pub as always. Don't bring flowers, unless they're for the bartender.

Jan. 15: The Reset Edition

Well, the yearly excuse has come and gone again. That chance to throw off the covers on New Year's Day like Superman whipping off his tie, standing proud in the pure light of a virgin morning. "No more!," you said to yourself while not masturbating. "This year, we make a brand new start!" Then you donated your porn CD's to the homeless on the way to work, punched out the boss and threw his secretary over your shoulder as you strode confidently toward your new life as a graffiti artist/session bongo player.

Since you totally did all that, Speakeasy's going to take it easy on you this month. Let's face it: Brand new starts are hard. For one thing, there's all the starting. So for January, the theme is Recycled Beginnings. Our writers are encouraged to give us a brand new story or poem ... using the first line of an already famous work of literature. How can this go wrong? You already have the sturdiest foundations of all time! It's just like your Mom always said - you can be anything you want to be, and so can your story. Just don't be like Hitler, OK? Although his book sold pretty well.

Merry New Year, good buddies. Shake off those hangovers and meet us Jan. 15 down at Will's Pub, 9ish pm as usual. We're resolving to start when you get there this year!

Dec. 18: The Potluck Edition

'Twas the week before Christmas and all through Will's Pub
you could smell last night's band, passed out in the shrubs.
The poets, however, hung the chimneys with care,
nevermind that the chimneys weren't actually there.
And neither were stockings, but they still did they stock
their gifts into these metaphorical socks.
For Trevor: A poem! For Curtis: A limerick!
For Mike and Amanda, a story erotic!
What did you expect, some kind of toy truck?
This is Speakeasy, dude. We're all broke as fuck.

That's right, writer-types. We're keeping it nice and easy for all you shell-shocked holiday veterans. The theme for this month of giving: Other People's Poetry (or Prose). If you're signing up on the list to read at December's open mike, bring an extra bit of writing, no longer than a page (your own or someone else's). All these pages will go into a pile, and readers will draw at random from it for their first reading of the night. Don't worry, you can still read a poem or story of your own afterward. You're already eating Xmas dinner with relatives the week after this, so the last thing we wanna do is extra damage to your ego.

Oh, and while you're at it? Wrap up a misfit book from your own library and bring it along for our literary White Elephant pile. Every single reader at our open mike gets a book from the pile! For free! Don't get too excited; there might be a Kardashian biography in there. But hey, that's still a book AND a page of poetry free for every reader. With those savings, you can't afford not to come. See you at 9ish pm at Will's Pub on Dec. 18, and dog bless us, every one.

- Tod

Nov. 20: The Toasty Edition

No, it's not going to be any warmer at Will's this month. Nor will there be any kind of theme involving open fires, roasting chestnuts or any of those other Xmas chestnuts. We hate the pre-emptive holiday blitz as much as the next heathen.

In fact, there won't be any kind of theme at all, because we're gonna need all the brain cells we can salvage. Yes indeed, children - it's time once again for the semi-bi-wheneverannual Speakeasy Toast-Off.

Perhaps you remember it from the last couple of years at the Orlando Fringe Festival, where it crashed the party on the Outdoor Stage. Maybe you were here in the audience at Will's the last few times we did it, and you're still cursing the hangover. Or maybe you're Christian Drake, and you're still waiting for kickbacks on the idea we stole from you. If it's none of the above, here are the (snicker) "rules":

• Eight competitors will be brought to the stage to face off against each other in four head-to-head elimination rounds, drinks in hand. There will be a brief moment allowed for intense staring, and/or debate on the relative comforts provided by the opponents' mothers.
• The host will select a topic at random from a hat. Past subjects have included "Satan," "Girl Scouts," "Batman" and "Sobriety."
• The competitors will have roughly 30 seconds to compose and deliver a toast to the given topic. Ex. "Here's to Sobriety! The best 10 minutes I ever spent."
• They should probably be funnier than that, although sincerity can be an occasionally useful tool. Either way, brevity is an essential requirement of the proper toast.
•  Contestants drink after each toast, as does the audience. Do I really have to tell you this?
• Winners of each round will be determined by audience applause. Best of three toasts takes the round. We then narrow the contestants down in a series of successive rounds until two competitors remain. Grand champeen will then be decided in a best-of-five toasts match.

That's about the size of it. The Toast-Off will kick off the evening, so get there early if you'd like to compete, or just throw in your hat right here in the comments. We'll also have a standard open mike following the competition, if anyone's still lucid. 9 p.m. (sharp this time!) Nov. 20 at Will's Pub, you lushes. See you there, and identify yourself as you will be blurry.

Oct. 16: The Masquerade Edition

OK, for one moment let's pretend your host has thought this out. That I have not, as usual, solicited some random drunk's opinion (thanks, Teege!) and called it the theme for this month's Speakeasy. It would certainly seem like I had, because our upcoming theme of Fan Fiction fits October like a toga on a douchebag.

Because, hey - isn't that what Halloween is about? All us ugly stepsisters get to slip into Cinderella's shoes and tell Prince Charming that no, actually, they do fit and we're keeping them and he can jump up our ass. We get to be princesses, presidents, heroes ... just for one day. Or at least as many drinks as it takes for us to lose one shoe and puke in the other one.

I digress, because that's what I do. What I'm trying to justify here is this month's call to arms, our summons to Speakeasy writers: Fan fucking fiction. For October, kidnap your favorite fictional characters. Lure them into the black, windowless van of your notebook and rub the lotion of your imagination all over them. Only when they are taught their manners will they emerge, fit to join the patient listeners of Will's Pub. Sam Spade in Narnia? Dolemite meets the Mummy? The cast of Sailor Moon in a sexual octahedron with the Powerpuff Girls? Hey, we won't judge.

I mean, we will. But we probably won't remember. And really, how hard can this stuff be? See you at 9 p.m. on Oct. 16 at Will's Pub, me hearties.

- Tod

Sept. 18: The Electoral Edition

You know what we hate here at Speakeasy, other than spiders? An election year. That magical season when finding a mortal enemy is as easy as spotting his bumper sticker. The out-of-context quotes! The fabricated drama! Makes you long for a good solid monarchy, doesn't it?

Camacho/Trump 2016.

We tell you this so you know just how hard we've tried to avoid the theme for September: Politics. That's right, my fellow Americans. We know it's right up there with chlamydia on the list of things you Do Not Discuss at a bar, but on this month, we're doing it onstage. Ever wanted to inflict your views on other people through a microphone, but just didn't have any delegates? Now's your chance! Writers, sign yourself up on the list and elect yourself grand poobah for a night (or at least five minutes of it). Together, we can restore a semblance of sobriety to this great nation of Will's Pub. Together, we can accomplish the improbable ... and make politics interesting.

Yeah, we know the chances. But hey, in a year of broken promises, what's one more? See you on Sept. 18 at Will's Pub, people. 9 p.m. blunt as usual.

-Tod

Aug. 14: The Violent Edition

The heat. The reruns. The elections. The mosquitoes. The heat. There's something about August that brings out the neanderthal in us, especially in Florida. Can you feel it there, sitting in your sweat lodge of a busted car? Look at all these snowbird morons, playing Angry Birds at 50 mph on the freeway. Makes you just want to stop the car, grab something nice and sharp and ... write a poem.

What else, right? Seeing as how the theme for August at Speakeasy is Violence, you'll fit right in. Come give a listen or join the fray as our writers throw down with some verbal kicks to the babymaker. Tales of schoolyard bloody noses? Celebrity beatdown fantasies? Come at us, bro. This month, our spoken word regulars won't just be putting their foot in their mouths - they might be putting it in yours.

SPECIAL ALERT, though: We'll be a week early this month. The August edition of Speakeasy will be at 9-ish p.m. sharp on Aug. 14 - NOT our usual third Thursday. Why? Let's just say we couldn't wait a whole month to see your pretty faces again. It's not true, but let's say it.

You've got your orders, soldier. Hey, what else you doin' on a Tuesday? Safer than going to see a movie, that's for sure.

- Tod